The Making of a Fatherless Daughter!

Does It Have to Be Perfect?

2012-01-27T11:31:00.001-05:00

I wanted so much for him to love me...my ex-husband, that's who. I thought he would love me and protect me forever. But he broke my heart into little pieces and I wondered if I would ever heal.

Does that story sound familiar? I think we've all experienced heart break whether we are a fatherless daughter or not. But for most of us fatherless daughters, our heart breaks runs deeper because it comes from a deeper space within us. It's a familiar space. A space that we've held waiting for daddy to someday come and tell us how much he loves us, how much he adores us and how special we really are to him. But for most of us that day will never come and we've tried hard as we could to get that longing and desperate need met through the men we chose to love.

And when that doesn't happen, we are left in a dark, desolate place of despair. "Will I ever find true love?"...becomes our daily mantra. Then for many of us, we thrust ourselves in our careers. We become driven, independent super women. Thinking that we can somehow we can fill that empty space with our houses, cars, designer clothes and bank accounts. Yet, we end up in lots of debt, many of us living above our means and stressed out. Because the feeling of stress and chaos is normal to our subconscious mind, because we haven't done the necessary work to clear those sabotaging thoughts that creates invisible barriers around out lives.

Then one day your beloved walks into your life. "This is it," you tell yourself. It's a romance that should be written in a novel. But he soon does something that sends you into a tail spin. "Here we go again," you say to yourself. But is it really what you think?

Because as a fatherless daughter, you are never satisfied. It doesn't matter who it is, if he's not perfect, it will not work. He can do ten things right and one thing wrong and you are ready to jump ship. Because we fatherless daughters can never be satisfied. Ha, ha, I can hear my ex-husband saying the very same words to me. At the time, I thought he was the crazy one when he would say, "I can never please you, you're always complaining about something." Whew! And when I heard my children say similar things such as "Mom, what did I do now?", I knew I needed to change.

It wasn't until I began to understand that my fatherless daughter syndrome was destroying my life and realize that if I didn't get a handle on it, I was going to be lonely, broke and unhappy for a long time, that I began to change.

As you read this story, does any of this resonate within you? Many of us think that our failures are our inability to sustain relationships, handle money, loose weight or something else, but if we are to look a little closer, we will see that it's really something deeper!!

Let us hear from you, what did you think about this article?

Sick, Betrayed and Broken

2012-01-19T21:15:00.002-05:00

I woke up feeling like I was in a daze. Had it all been a dream or was it really real? Did my husband really confess to cheating on me multiple times with several different women or was it all a dream?

When I gathered my thoughts and began to feel that pain in my belly, I remembered that it was true and it wasn’t a dream. Yes, when I confronted him the day before with what I saw, he had no choice but to admit the truth. It was a normal day, and I had put all of the kids down for a nap. My sons were 2 and 4 years of age and my daughter was 4 weeks old. I finally had a chance to take a long relaxing shower. And that’s when it all happened.

It was in the shower that I had another open vision. I now understand this gift that I have, but for years, I didn’t. There are times when I least expect it, that pictures of things, people or places will just flash before me as if I am looking at a movie. I can see things and know them. I have now learned to appreciate and embrace this gift…this knowing. Well on that particular day, as I was taking my shower, I saw my husband with another woman. I could see her face, how she looked and what they were doing. I had never seen this woman before. I was stunned and I asked God, what should I do with this information? I heard in my spirit to just pray. I did pray, but I also confronted my husband when he came home from work.

As I shared with him what I saw and I described the details of what happened, and how the woman looked…his face appeared as if he had just saw a ghost. He was so fearful, until he broke down and confessed every single infidelity. I was crushed. So crushed until I immediately rushed to bathroom and vomited all evening and I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, after realizing it wasn’t a dream, I had to decide what to do. I couldn’t tell anyone, and I didn’t know if I wanted to leave him. Where was I going with 3 small babies, no money and no self esteem or self worth? So, I kept it all to myself and pretended everything was well. I had learned over the years to wear the mask of pretence.

Over the next few weeks, I began to feel sick in my body. So I went to the doctor and they ran a series of test on me. The final diagnosis was that I had Lupus. Now I am sick. Not only was I sick, but we were also financially broke. I couldn’t run my business and bring in any money, and my husband was spending all of his as he made it, trying to impress folks. I had reached a place of deep ,dark, despair. But this was a place where only a Loving God could help me. And He did.

I spent the next few weeks totally emerged in prayer and meditation. Reading everything that I could on the power of God to heal and restore. I was consumed with this task. I had a choice. I could pack up my kids and move back home with my parents, or I could allow God to transform this situation for me. I chose the latter. While I don’t encourage anyone to stay in a relationship that is filled with dishonesty or pain, I made a decision at that moment to remain because there was something bigger going on than what I could see with my natural eyes. This was a lesson for me, one of love, conviction and commitment.

Here’s what I learned…..You won’t be committed and convicted, until you go through that experience and transform it……which is why these things are happening now around you…which is why life has shown up this way…. In this situation, I allowed God to show up and transform the situation. As a result…I went back to the doctors and they ran more test…there was no more Lupus and it hasn’t been for 26 years now.

My husband got new job that doubled his salary and he began to bring his money home. I finally forgave my husband. I let go of the resentment. And nine years later, I divorced him. But the day that I divorced him, I loved him unconditionally with the love of God. I had no resentment, no ill feelings whatsoever. Had I left him those years before, it would not have ended that way. I would have been bitter and angry. Now, I was completely free. God transformed me and that experience.

What experience in your life right now needs to be transformed? Are you willing to remain committed and convicted to allow God to transform it? Will you do your part to co-create the solution? Or what do you think I should have done? Let me hear from you below. Let’s chat, leave a comment.

Who Will You Become in 2012?

2011-12-12T17:08:00.001-05:00

We are all hearing conflicting predictions for the coming 2012 year. Some people are saying that is it going to be one of the worst financial years ever. Others are predicting it to be the year of newness and rebirthing. My question to you is, “who’s report will you believe?”

Will you believe the doom and gloom or will you believe the sunny, pie in the sky? I have chosen to believe what I know for sure. I believe 2012 can be the kind of year I choose it to be. Yes, each of us have the power within to create for ourselves the kind of life we want regardless of what is going on around us.

Most millionaires are made during a downturn economy. People will still get rich, people will still fall in love and get married. Babies will still be born, new businesses will still be launched, and people will still heal from sicknesses and people will still laugh and love!!

YOU are the only one who can determine how your year will look. We may not be able to prevent unfortunate things from showing up in our lives, but we do have the power to transform an unfortunate situation into something very powerful.

I would like to share with you 4 rituals that I have adapted in my life as I approach the ending of a year in order to prepare for the coming year.

First, I plan my days off from work. I decide how many weeks I want to take off for vacation, spiritual refreshing, or just to chill. I go through my calendar and mark off as many as six weeks. I also take a couple of weekends to attend few important networking and business events. I go through and decide what I want to do and where I want to go. I also go through the calendar and mark off all of my family’s birthdays, to be sure I don’t forget anyone because I want to celebrate their birthdays.
I decide on my “Bold Mo’ney Goal” for that year. How much money do I want to earn in my business as well as see come into my life. I don’t just base my goal on mo’ney that I can physically earn, but also on what I can manifest through my own giving and vibrational attraction in the Universe.
I develop my business blueprint. I create a blueprint to match the portion of my bold mo.ney goal that will be generated through my company. I have a detailed, step by step blueprint. I know exactly what I will be doing in my business the 3rd week in September 2012. I use a unique system that I created to do this and I will be teaching it in many of my workshops and coaching programs
Finally, I spend the final 10 days doing a daily ritual. I meditate, write,pray, study my sacred texts and listen to God. Then I ask these questions, “Who am I becoming?” “Who is trying to emerge through me?” “Who do I need to become in order to reach these goals?” It always amazes me of the answers I receive. As I get clarity on who I am needing to become in order to accomplish my goals, I listen also for what it will take to become that person.

It’s never what we do that keeps us stuck, it’s who we are being. Who do you need to become in order to generate more mo.ney, more love, more happiness, more health? How do you expand and grow? You need these answers. Because the same person who created the life you are now living will create the same thing next year if you don’t expand and grow.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this, and I know it may appear to be a little “woo woo”, but it has worked for me and I get to experience such an amazing life by allowing God to direct me and my path.

Remember, Live Authentically, Laugh Everyday and Embrace Love as a Lifestyle.

Let me hear from you, what are your rituals you use to prepare for the coming year? Who do you need to become? Share with us below!

Don't forget to become a member of the Fatherless Daughters Network.

The Disappearing Dad

2011-08-31T22:37:00.001-04:00

You have heard me talk about the impact that our father-daughter relationships have on our lives as we approach womanhood. It never ceases to amaze me of how many of my clients didn't realize that their father-daughter relationships were the driving force behind much of their beliefs, thoughts and behaviors. Why would they know this?

This is a topic that is not discussed in open forums and rarely discussed in private. It would be safe to believe that a fatherless daughter was an urban issue. That she was some poor little African American girl who grew up without her daddy around. But let me paint a different picture for you, one that I see regularly.

This fatherless daughter is a well-dressed, articulate, successful, educated, upper middle class woman who grew up with her father in the home with her. She comes from a well respected family, background and history. She had a great relationship with her father, and don't believe there were any real issues between them. Right?

Well not exactly. While daddy was a good father, he worked very hard and it didn't leave a lot of time for him to spend quality time with his daughter. Much of her care taking came from mom. Daddy provided well for the family, but he was always gone to meetings or working.

Research has proven that if a father doesn't emotionally bond, connect deeply and show lots of unconditional love for his daughter, it will impact her life as she becomes an adult. The Disappearing Dad, is what we will call this father.

We tend to think about "The Disappearing Dad" as one who abandoned us and was not there for us. While this is true for a lot of us, the impact of a father in the home and not emotionally available to his daughter for whatever reason, has far more consequences in her life once she approaches woman hood.

A Disappearing Dad is one who finds it difficult to connect and bond with his daughter on a deeper level, he is incapable of demonstrating unconditional love towards her. Whether he was present or absent, this can cause real issues for the daughter later in life.

It is important I make it clear that I am not out to bash fathers. This is not my intention. I merely want to bring to light the impact of one of the most important relationships in a girl's life and how it will impact her and become the compass for how she interacts in her relationships with men and money. The impacts are derived from your father's love patterns and love styles.You don't become aware of the affects until they surface within your relationships.

For a woman with a Disappearing Dad, you may find it difficult to connect deeply in your relationships. You are afraid of getting too close, you are defensive and tend to guard your heart. You tend to be private and hold your emotions inside. Your daddy wound becomes "I'm invisible and I don't exist in my daddy's eyes." Your greatest need is connection but your greatest fear is being rejected and your controlling belief is "I will get hurt if I get get too close." While on the surface you may not be thinking this, but these beliefs will affect your relationships with men and money.

Let me remind you that a fatherless daughter come from diverse background and they come from various ethnic backgrounds, economics and religions. Be careful not to stereotype them, because you may just be looking at one in the mirror and not realize it...and there is danger in not knowing.

Stay tune for next month as we discuss the "Disapproving Dad."

If you desire to communicate with me, or receive complimentary coaching session with me, go to www.youactnow.info

Also, please leave your comment below...we want to hear from you and start a dialogue about this most important topic of Fatherless Daughters.

The Making of a Fatherless Daughter Part 1

2011-07-12T11:18:00.003-04:00

It has been said that the father-daughter relationship is the most important relationship within the family structure. I am no expert on the dynamics of the family structure and do not claim to be. But I do know that the impact of having an unavailable father for a girl can have grave consequences on her life as she approaches adulthood. When this happens, it can and does affect her own family dynamics because she now becomes nurturer and care giver for that family.

I define a fatherless daughter as a woman who grew up with an unavailable father. An unavailable father could mean that he was absent due to divorce, death or abandonment or he could have been unavailable due to being a work alcoholic, alcohol and drug addiction, or he simply lacked the ability to form any close emotional bond and could not show love. Whatever the reason, the life of that daughter will be impacted on many levels.

Every day, I speak to women from diverse backgrounds, from different places in the world who are now recognizing that their father-daughter relationship impacted their lives. Most of them had never really discussed this topic with anyone in detail until now. Why? Well I have my own theory, especially for the women in my generation.

Most of the women of my generation grew up in an era when daddy went to work and many moms stayed at home. Except for those who had single moms like me and I will come back to this point later. But on the most part, it was acceptable that daddy be gone for long hours to work and provide for the family. During these times, when daddy was around, it was normal for the father to be much more involved with their sons than with their daughters. They normally left the task of providing the daughter's role model to the moms. They didn't talk to the daughters as much as they did their sons. They didn't get to know their daughters as much as they did their sons. They did not tend to view themselves as primarily responsible for their daughters primary needs, successes or accomplishments.

Many women of my generation did not see themselves as having issues with their fathers, because this scenario was the norm in the family dynamic and structure. They never expected to be close to their fathers. Now back to those of us who never had our fathers around, many of our child hood friends were in the same boat. Most of my mother's friends were single moms and their daughters were my play mates. So when your immediate surroundings are similar to yours, this becomes normal. Therefore, having a father or not having one was never up for discussion or an issue, so we thought.

Fast forward to today's generation where social change has allowed for young girls to be involved in sports and activities in which their fathers can now identify, we are now seeing more and more fathers becoming very involved with their daughters. These changes are allowing dads to be more involved with the day to day nurturing towards their daughters. And also because of the increase in the numbers of children being born outside of marriage and the shame factor being (regretfully) removed from this, more and more baby daddies are getting involved in their daughters' lives.

But what about the women of my generation? The notion that fathers are not normally very close to their daughters explains why so many females described their father-daughter relationship having been okay and they didn't think they had any fatherless daughters issues. But now that we are having this collective conversation, these women are now beginning to understand that it was not "normal" to have a distant or unavailable father.

I believe no matter the reason a father is unavailable and did not form a close, loving relationship with his daughter, this failure to do so has predictable consequences on that daughter's life as an adult. There are two distinct things that a girl must receive from her dad when growing up: unconditional love and security. When a father makes it clear to his daughter the he loves her unconditionally, just for who she is, he lays the foundation for her healthy self perception. When he shows his approval for how she looks and what she does, he validates her existence. The second thing he must do is make her feel secure. She must feel that the world is safe and that those who love her are dependable and that her needs can be met. When this doesn't happen, her trust factor becomes an issue throughout her life.

As adults, we fatherless daughters begin to judge our success in life based on the money we earn and the love we find. When neither exist at all in our lives or only for just a short spans, we begin to feel unwanted unsafe, insecure and rejected. There begins the making of a fatherless daughter.

We want to hear from you, please leave your comment below!

Does Your Heart Attack?

2011-03-15T03:29:00.002-04:00

It starts out small. You feel a little frustrated and somewhat irritable. Then it happens. He says something that totally ticks you off and your shoe flies towards his head. You are screaming at the top of your lungs, the tears are rolling down your cheeks, your breathing is rapid and you feel the heat run past your ear lobes.

Now you are at a point of no return. You are saying things that you don't really mean. But what you really want is for him to hear you, for him to feel your pain. You want him to understand that he has hurt you and in some small way, you want him to hurt as well.

He gets angry and looks at you as if you are a crazy woman! He walks out and now you are alone once again. After curling up in a fetal position and crying your eyes out, you know that you may have pushed it too far this time. You feel the fear rise up within you and you don't know how to fix it. You can't breathe. You're crippled with fear that you are going to lose the relationship, or the job or whatever it was that you vented your rage towards. There's a feeling of sorrow that rises in you. And you say to yourself that you will not allow your anger to get out of control like that again.

Time passes. He comes back home or you don't lose your job. Now you can breathe again. Perhaps he really does love you, or suppose your job really does like your work. Then you feel a sense of relief...until the next time. Then the cycle repeats itself all over again.

Sounds familiar? I know this scenario all too well. There was a time in my life when my anger was out to control. I could feel it seething within me when triggered. I carried this rage within me and it took very little triggers to open up the flood gate of my rage.

Rage is a silent killer. It's like a fire and it can destroy everything in its path. It starts out small as frustration, then it turns to anger and if fed the right trigger, it will erupt into full blown rage.

But it was when I was pregnant with my first child, thirty years ago, that I knew I needed to get a handle on my temper. I didn't want to be a mother who could not control her anger. So I tried very hard to control myself and not give into the triggers. I used my "will power" to change it. So, I thought.

While I no longer erupted into outbursts of rage, I was now suppressing my anger and turning it inward on myself. My rage still manifested, but this time in the form of pain in my body, severe headaches, bouts of depression, constipation and anxiety attacks.

Not only does anger destroy relationships, it will also destroy the body. There have been numerous studies that prove anger can cause tumors, stroke, heart disease, and even cancer.

It was years before I realized what was happening to me. I had deceived myself into believing that I was now a calm, peaceful woman. Yet, my resentment, anger and rage were lying dormant beneath the layers of my false illusions, like a volcano waiting to erupt.

I soon discovered that I was a ticking time bomb and if I didn't release this rage, it would soon kill me.

My first lesson was understanding that you cannot eliminate anything until you get rid of the source...the root. Most anger arises out of a feeling powerless. It serves as a protective factor when we feel less than or powerless. And all of that comes from the root of fear.

But when we learn that we are never powerless and that we have nothing to fear, we can begin to face our problems from a place of love. Love is the answer to every question. Your anger and your rage are there because you have forgotten to love. I had to remember how to love.

Remembering to love required that I remembered who I was. I was a child of God, born from the pure essence of love. My journey to letting go of my rage was not an easy one, but surely a necessary one.

I have since identified the root cause of my anger and resentment. I learned to how to heal those wounded places. Please know this work cannot be done alone. And know that it cannot be done without God. God can heal the broken places deep within your soul. When God's love comes in, the anger goes out. My heart now no longer filled with fear, it is filled with love. My heart no longer attacks...it only knows how to love. Where love is...fear can no longer exist.

A Good Man is Hard to Find...Or Is He?

2011-03-05T09:12:00.001-05:00

I often hear women say that a good man is hard to find. Then there are those who say that it’s hard to find a man who is comfortable with a powerful and successful woman. They say that men are intimidated by their success. While I can perhaps sympathize with this theory, I can’t say that I really agree.

First of all, there are very few things that a man is afraid of and a woman is normally not one of them. There are numerous of successful and powerful women who are experiencing beautiful and loving relationships with men who adore, admire and love them. But these women have discovered the hidden keys to making love work.

As I began to look a little deeper into this topic, I discovered the reason why so many powerful and successful women are having a difficult time in finding a real man.

Over the last forty years, women have made great strides in the workplace and in our careers. We have experienced as much success as our male counterparts and in some cases we have surpassed them. And we must celebrate this tremendous gain.

But somewhere during this era we have lost our sense of who we really are. We changed our clothes to look like the men in our tailored blue and black suits. We deepened our voices and tensed our faces so that we could be taken more seriously. We worked long tiring hours trying to prove ourselves and keep up the masculine pace. We wanted to be treated like one of the boys and when that didn’t happened, we cried discrimination.

In other words, we not only competed with the men, we became them. And while yes, we became what the world would deem as successful and powerful, but for many of us, it was achieved at a great cost. We gave up who we really are… our true feminine selves.

So when our “good man” showed up in our lives and didn’t stay very long, we automatically assumed that he was intimidated by our success. But in reality, he came looking for a woman (feminine energy) and what he found was himself (masculine energy), disguised as a woman.

While many women think there maybe times in their lives when they need to actualize their masculine energy in the workplace, it is important to remember that only your feminine energy and power will attract and keep a “real man.” It’s not your masculine, material power or success that a real man is seeking, it’s your true power of the feminine energy that he so desires and needs. Your masculine side has no place in your relationships.

Finding a good man is more about “being” than it is about “doing.” The masculine is active, the feminine is passive, the masculine is dynamic, and the feminine is magnetic. The masculine does while the feminine is. We want a masculine man, but we will never have one unless we become the feminine woman we were created to be.

Our real worth and our real power is not in our material power or success, it is in our feminine authentic self. A real man is not hard to find…but a real woman is.

Mind Stories vs. Heart Stories

2011-02-19T14:09:00.001-05:00

"Our past are the stories that exist only in our minds, but our future are the stories that exist only in our hearts."--Angela Carr Patterson

All of us have these stories swarming around in our minds. Stories of rejection, stories of betrayal, stories of abuse and stories of fear. But are they really real? They become real as long as we continue to give them life. We give them life when we continue to remember them, to talk about them, and to re-experience them. And when we continue to give these stories life, we re-create them in our lives as well.

It's time that we begin to tell a new story. The stories that we carry within our hearts. Those are the stories that each of us want to create in our lives. Stories of forgiveness, stories of hope, stories of renewal, stories of abundance and stories of love. Our love stories.

As a Fatherless Daughter or a woman who grew up without her daddy playing a "real and significant role in her life, it can become difficult to tell new stories. Not having daddy to contribute in our lives can leave a void and an emptiness that we spend a lifetime trying to fill through creating a world of "false power." This false power can come in the form of relationships, career, businesses, clothes, cars, jewelry, money, food, drugs/alcohol and even religion.

We try to fill our lives with these things, thinking they will help us replace the old stories. But as long as we don't learn how to release the old stories, we cannot tell new ones and nothing in our lives will change. The only way to begin telling new stories, the ones that live in our hearts, is to release the stories that still exist in our minds. There are 3 simple steps we can do to begin creating a new story.

1. Change Your Mind.

The stories that remain in our minds are the ones that entered there based on experiences from our past. These experiences have formed beliefs systems that are controlling our current lives. If you want to know what your beliefs are, take a look at your current life’s circumstances. They are all a direct reflections of what you are believing. But at any moment you can begin to change your mind. You don’t have to believe that you will never amount to anything. You don’t have to believe that no one will ever love you. You don’t have to believe that you will never be financially wealthy. You can change your mind by replacing those beliefs with new ones. The ones that live loud in your heart. The ones that say, you are loved and you are lovable. The beliefs that say you can live your dreams and you can have, you can do, and you can be anything you want in life. Begin reading new books, begin taking new courses, begin going to new seminars. Saturate your mind with new beliefs.

2. Change Your Company.

Who do you spending most of your time with? In order to begin telling a new story, you have to surround yourself with people who are telling the same stories. They are people who tell stories of hope, renewal, abundance and joy. It has been proven that who you spend your most time around influences your thoughts, your choices and your actions. It may be time to take a good look at the company you have been keeping and change it now. Begin creating you a new supporting cast of people who will encourage and empower your life.

3.Change Your Talk

Our words shape our lives. What are you saying? Are you talking your life into a continuous rut? Your words have power. But not just any words. The words we speak from our hearts are the ones that have the most power. What does your heart say? Your heart will always speak love and life into existence. Why? Because, your heart is where God lives. Begin speaking from your deeper voice. The Voice of God will fill your mouth with words that bring abundance, joy, and love into your life. Be sensitive to this Voice and only speak that which you hear from Him. As you change your talk and speak “heart words,” your life will begin to take on a new story of its own.

We do have the power to change our stories. It is not an option any longer. It’s time for all of us to tell new stories in order to have a new life and in order to create a new world. We want to hear from you.. Share your new story below by writing a few short sentences. Your story will inspire others, so let’s share.

It's Time to Tell a New Story!

2011-01-25T04:37:00.000-05:00

We all have a story. Every woman has her own unique story of pain and of triumph. No matter what your story has been, if it’s not what you want, you have the power to change it at any time. You can tell a new story? My defining moment came when I was willing to release the past, the old story, and write a new story for my life.

For years, I longed for the day when my father would knock on my door and say, “I’ve come to see my little princess.” That day never came and that day will never come. So one day, I sat down and decided that it was time to tell a new story. I could no longer allow what others did or did not do, determine what my story would be. I discovered that I had the power to change it and write a story on my own terms. My story became one of forgiveness, renewal and hope. It was my story…my love story. Except this time, I was the star and God, my Heavenly Father, was the Director.

You have that same power within you to write your story. As we choose our stories, we are also choosing our destiny. We can create stories filled with hope, with promise and with love. This is your story…this is my story…and it is our story. It really is time to tell a new story!

Your New Year, Your New Life!

2011-01-02T14:33:00.000-05:00

I love this time of the year. A new year represents a new beginning. Another opportunity to start over, to leave behind all the things that did not serve me in the previous year. Another chance to walk through new opportunities and new possibilities.

I can sense that you agree with me. However, one of the things that I see happening over and over again is that we repeat the same behaviors and expect to get different results. Now I know you have heard all of this before. But have you really taken the time to reflect upon what it really means?

Doing the same thing and expecting a different result has been said to be insane. And I agree. We will never move our lives forward in the new year or the next new year, if we don't change our beliefs...our mindsets. Your current beliefs have created the life you are now experiencing and if you plan on experiencing something different in 2011, you will need to change them.

One of the major beliefs that tend to follow Fatherless Daughters is how they view themselves. The way we see ourselves and love ourselves comes from the love we see reflected towards us in our father's eyes. And for most of us, that did not happen. Many of us didn't have our dads around as we were growing up and others whose dads were there, were still absent in our lives.

So what shall we do? We can begin to retrace our identity, our beliefs about ourselves, beyond our mother's womb. We can start by connecting with the most powerful, loving force in the universe and for me that force is "God." God is the very essence of true love. As we learn to identify our beliefs with a loving, forgiving, always present God and stop focusing on the love, protection or support we didn't receive from our fathers, then and only then can we move forward to a new year, a new life and and a new world.

So what steps will you take this year to retrace your life beyond your mother's womb in order to form a new set of beliefs? We want to hear from you. Write your comments below and let's share!!

Are You Really Happy?

2010-08-03T14:10:00.000-04:00

Are you really happy with your life? Do you wake up each morning ready to live your life with joy, happiness and love? Are you days filled with laughter and pure bliss? Most people that I meet would answer “no” to these questions.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Life can be joyous and happy for us when we are able to answer three critical and important questions. These questions are: Who am I? Why am I here? What am I here to do?

When the answers to these questions become the most important and central reality of your life, every choice you make and everything you think and do will reflect that reality.

True satisfaction with life will only come when we discover the authentic core of who we really are and what we are placed on the planet to do. When we are aligned with the who, the what and the why God created us, our joy then becomes filled. When that happens, we will be able to say with a loud shout...I am really and truly happy today!!

What choice can you make today that would be truly consistent with who you are and make your life a joy to live?

How Much Love Are You Giving?

2010-07-14T01:21:00.001-04:00

How much love are you giving? I work with people everyday who often feel that no one really loves them. Or they wonder if they will ever experience a real love relationship with another.

But the question we all should be asking is...”how much love am I giving?” Because only what we are not giving can be lacking in any situation. The purpose of relationships is to expand us and where our love is conditional, we need expansion. Wanting to be loved when you are not ready or willing to give love is really a very selfish and self serving desire.

Can you love even in the absence of love? Can you love even when it seems that no one is reciprocating?

True love has no expectations...all true love wants to do is love...to give it. So I ask you once again...how much love are you giving? Take a look around you...if your life is not overflowing with love...maybe you are the missing link.

When We Don't Have All The Answers

2010-05-28T20:01:00.000-04:00

Life has a way of bringing to us the unexpected. But what happens when the unexpected comes wrapped in disappointment? Do we forget about the very foundation of what we believe and stay true to it or do we fold under the pressure?

Yesterday started out to be a great day. My husband and I went for our morning walk; I spent my power hour in mediation/prayer and listened to some personal/spiritual growth information on my IPod.

Then the phone rang and it was my son telling me that they had lost the baby. She was still born. My heart stopped for a moment because we had just experienced this last year, when little Maya was still born. I just didn’t want to do this again.

And the worst was to hear my son’s voice as he shared the information. He said mom, “I wanted this baby so badly.” As I put the phone down, I began to remember who God is and how His Love will comfort and protect us. That is my foundational truth and at this moment I needed to remember it.

When the unexpected comes our way, and there is no explanation for the pain, we must shift our hearts and our minds towards love. Please know that my family and I did experience pain and we couldn’t keep it from coming our way. But we do have a choice...not to suffer.

While this is painful to experience, we will not allow it to make us suffer. As we remain in love’s space and as we continue to love each other and thank God for what we will never understand, we can and will heal.

Loves heals, renews, make us safe, inspires us with its power and brings us closer to God. This is what I know for sure. In times when you don’t have answers, remember that love is the answer to every question.

The ultimate lesson here is that we walk in the light of love and the truth that extends beyond any truth that our human mind presently knows. Because the spiritual mind knows far more than we could ever comprehend. So it’s really okay to not have all the answers, as long as we have love and peace. This is what I know for sure.

What's Love Got to Do with It?

2009-10-12T21:53:00.001-04:00

The internet is inundated with lots of information, such as how to create wealth, the newest health craze, the latest fashion trend, relationship issues and even religious stuff.

But one subject that seems to fly under the radar is “Love”, yet this is the message of my soul. In a world where folks are losing their jobs, their homes, struggling to pay bills, get health care, or battling a bad relationship, the last thing they want to hear or talk about is love. While this is not a popular topic, it is the answer to every problem you have in your life. Love is the greatest answer to the world’s problems.

Perhaps that is why it gets so little attention. Really, how could love be the answer to your problems? As Tina Turner said, “what’s love got to do with it?” Love has everything to do with it.

The real reason we don’t embrace love as the solution to our problems is that it will force us to begin to take 100% responsibility for our own lives. It won’t allow us to play the victim any longer. But more importantly it will make us look within ourselves for answers instead of externally.

How can love pay my bills, find a job, or make my husband treat me better?” you may ask. We all live by two different driving forces, love or fear. Whatever force we allow to govern our lives, produces the results that we are currently experiencing.

Fear produces lack, scarcity, chaos, want, confusion, sickness, depression, fatigue, violence and etc.

Love produces abundance, increase, joy, health, energy, ease, harmony, peace, happiness, fulfillment and etc. It's not the devil that is playing havoc in your life. It is where you have chosen not to love. Fear produces a vibration in our being that summons or attracts all that fear represents to us.

But when we choose to love, embody love, become love, then it will begin to call forth or attract all the things that love produces. Learn to love at that level now! Email me angela@thelovelifestyle.com

I See You!

2009-07-21T22:11:00.000-04:00

There comes a time in our lives when we must face the truth. The truth of who we are and the truth of who we are becoming.

Our dance begins each morning when we awaken unto our day. We do this dance very well. We dance for our kids, we dance for our spouses, we dance for our bosses, and we dance for our parents and even the church. But when do we dance for ourselves?
We dance to entertain and please everyone around us only to become invisible to ourselves.

But I see you. I see you when you look into the mirror each morning to do your hair and face while fighting the urge to break down and cry. I see you when you put that lipstick on the same lips that so desperately wants to shout to the world "I am so tired...I'm just so tired!" Not in the physical sense, but you are tired and weary from the inside...from your deeper parts.

I see you when you realize what is happening and you regroup, square your shoulders, take a deep breath and grab your purse to walk out the door. You are on your way into the world to dance all over again. Oh, did I mention that before you left home you had gotten the kids ready, fixed breakfast, made some beds, loaded the dish washer and folded that basket of laundry? You did that dance before anyone in your house woke up this morning.

Now it's time to dance for your micro-managing, never can please boss and that noisy, jealous, aggravating co-worker who just won't shut up.

I see you when you smile while wanting to break down and cry. I see you when you work all day on a job that brings you no joy or gratification. I see you when your mouth curves out a slight grin as you imagine what it would be to own that business you've wanted to start. But I also see you when you rationalize that thought away because you believe it is only wishful thinking. I see your grin disappear along with your hope.

As you drive home, I see you plan your next dance of what to cook for dinner, how much homework you have to assist with and what time you got to go to bible study. I see you when you grab your bible for church and adjust your dance just a little because your swagger may be too much for the sisters. Because you don't want them to know that you have not had time to pray or read your bible for 5 days. And you dare not act like you have any un-answered prayers. No, this dance....the one you've learned to do so well says to everyone, including the preacher,that all is well and everything is perfect because you love God!! Right?

But I see your pain, your hurt, your disappointments, your regrets and your unhappiness with your life. I see your desire for life to be more and I see your need for more. I see that you're stuck because you've brought into the false illusion that your life has to be this way.

You've learned to dance the dance of making everyone a priority above yourself. Your illusion gives you permission to believe this is okay.

Yet, I see your dance is getting weaker, I see you miss a few steps and turns only because you are getting older and think it's too late to change the music or your dance.

I cry for you, my sister and I pray for you. Why? Because I know this dance all too well, I've dance it for years. But I also know it can be different. Life can be different and it can be for you. I am now dancing a new dance with new music and it is wonderful!! I long to have all my sisters dance with me.

I invite you to join me in this dance, but until then I will dance for you... because you have forgotten to dance for yourself.

No Regrets!

2009-06-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

I went in search of my biological father when I was 19 years old. I can remember the first day I drove 2 hours to his state to visit him. Boy was I nervous. I was met by a man who appeared happy to see me, but in so many ways he was very distant and allusive. Looking at him was like looking in a mirror, because I looked so much like him. It was a pleasant visit, not emotional, but pleasant.

We continued to write each other and occasionally visit sometimes. Our phone conversations lasted perhaps 3-5 minutes max. We had a distant relationship, not very close at all. My father was incapable of connecting with anyone, especially a daughter he never knew. I learned to love my father from where he was, but it just became too painful to be around him. Not because I hated or disliked him, it was just very difficult to get to know him. The subtle rejection was just too much. He would never write to me, only send me a few dollars here and there. The money was fine, but I needed his words. I wanted to hear him tell me what I meant to him, I wanted to have great conversation with the man I wanted to know so badly. But we never became the father and daughter I had imagined we could have been.

After my painful divorce, I reached out to my dad for some support and found none. Not because he didn’t want to, he just couldn't. He was not mentally or emotionally available to anyone. We drifted even farther apart. It was this year when I felt an urgent need to seek him out again. I had lost touch and didn’t know where to find him. When I finally located him, I was met with resistance from his family members who thought that I wanted something from my dad. My dad is now mentally ill and unable to care for himself now. I have been met by his family with hostility now I am being blamed for not coming around all those years. I cannot possibly understand how I am now the blame for my dad's own doing. I initiated all of our connections. I reached out to him, never he to me.

The story gets better. Now, his family is now requesting that I prove that I am his daughter. After all of these years, (47), paternity was never an issue. This is all coming down to my father's estate and his family thinks I want it. Yet, they don't understand that all I ever wanted from my dad, I will never get now. It is not his estate, it was him, it was his love.

I love my dad and I want to believe that somewhere in his ill mind he loves me too. For me that will have to be enough. I cannot and will not bring the past into the presence, but I will not create a presence that becomes painful or stressful. I will not allow his family to taint or mess with what I was able to create with my dad. Even if it was on a very small level, it was huge to me. I learned my dad had his own issues. Whatever they were, I was not the cause of them, but I understand them. I cannot change the past, but I can sure create a peaceful present. I lost my dad a long time ago and I had a small window to find him and love him. I am grateful for that opportunity. I celebrate the times we had together and the brief encounters. They will forever remain precious in my heart. For now I have peace and joy in knowing that the only thing I owed my dad was my love and forgiveness. Today he has both!

Share Your Heart Secrets!

2009-06-18T07:49:00.000-04:00

It has been said that "healing comes from sharing our wounds." I have found this to be true for myself. Through telling my stories of pain, abandonment and rejection, I found my way back home. I found so many other women who shared similar stories and it is through the sharing, the healing of old wounds were discoverd. We share our Heart Secrets, the lessons we've learned from the stories we dared to share.

I want to challenge you as a Fatherless Daughter to tell the truth. You have nothing to be ashame of, absolutely nothing. You are loved by a God, a Father who loves you unconditionally. Join me and others as we rise up and share our stories of pain, forgiveness and restoration with the world in order to heal the world.

No longer have your cry lost in the dark. Step into the light of God's love, and always remember to tell the truth, your truth..which is what really matters. Yes it does!!

One Love,
Angela Carr Patterson

A Fatherless Daughter's Lost Cry in the Dark....My Heart Secret (Final Part)

2009-06-03T14:59:00.000-04:00

While not having a father can be harmful to women, there are certainly many other reasons why we as women do not love ourselves. It matters not how you arrived at this desolate place, but rather how you move through it and on to your own Love Story.

I have come to tell the truth which has freed me to love. In my E-book, "The Revival of a Love Story", I share the lessons learned and concepts that I have come to embrace concerning love over the years. And there is "The Papilio Effect Concept" that I teach which is the very foundation for my Love Story Experience.

My story does not have a fairy tale ending in which I find my father and we have a great loving relationship. In fact, it is just the opposite. I do not have a wonderful relationship with my father and perhaps never will, because he is still unavailable, but what I do have is forgiveness. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, a liberator of the soul!! I have a loving step-father who has consistently been there for me in every capacity possible. I am now married to a wonderful new husband and living a life full of love, peace and joy. You see folks, I found love... inside myself and it was there all along. At times I am still challenged by my old limiting beliefs, but when that happens I simply shift my thoughts and remind myself to love again!! Oh my what an amazing journey this has become.

It is my hope that our “Fatherless Daughter Initiative” will become a place of inspiration, celebration and transformation as we examine the truths about Fatherless Daughters. It is our hope that we can shed light and give insight to an issue that is taking this nation by storm, yet continues to remain ignored.

We want to encourage fathers and their daughters to share their Heart Secrets, dare them to tell the truth, to forgive and maybe even heal. This could actually open their lives to amazing new possibilities. We must do this for all the women, for the men who could not or did not love them and for my daughter. I believe love is who you are and not what you do. Not only is it possible to create your own love story, it is also inevitable!

One Love,

Angela Carr Patterson

A Fatherless Daughter's Lost Cry in the Dark....My Heart Secret (Part 2)

2009-06-02T11:36:00.000-04:00

I learned early, that if I were going to make it in life, I had to do it myself. I didn't grow up with a father to protect me, to provide or even to love me. He and my mom split while she was pregnant with me and later divorced. My Heart Secret was to never allow anyone to know how not having a father in my life made me feel less than human. I felt as if I did not belong anywhere. I was always afraid of being found out, of being rejected, not liked or even accepted. I carried this wound like a woman carrying a baby, yet I could never give birth to it; I could never release it.

As I began to come to terms with the impact of how not having my dad in my life had affected me, the process of healing began. I now understood my desperate need to be loved, to be re-assured, and my fear of abandonment. I also understood why I could not actually fully connect with my mates or have a deep intimate and lasting relationship. Finally, I understood why I could not find true love. I did not recognize it.

I really did not know how love looked. How could I? I never saw love demonstrated to my mother by my father nor was it ever shown to me by my father. Then I went to church and the minister told me that God was my Father. However, I had difficulty receiving love from a God I could not see, feel or hear, as it reminded me of my father.

Now, here I was divorced, just like my mother, my grandmother and now my daughter would have to live without her father. We were 4 generations of women who did not grow up with a father. The only common denominator for the women in my family not being able to sustain a lasting relationship was that we were all fatherless. I had to prevent my daughter from repeating the same cycle. I want to prevent all women from having to live this hell!

As I began my search for answers, I no longer saw my life through tainted lenses. Love for me became very clear. I read everything I could get my hands on about self-love, God's love. I prayed, meditated and connected to Love's Power Source. I discovered a loving Creator who would teach me about true love through my daily experiences, the people I would meet, the mistakes I would make and decisions I would face.

As the thoughts about myself began to shift from shame, guilt and pity, to awareness, love and respect, my belief system also began to change and wouldn't you believe, my love story was unfolding. However it was not with a man, but rather with myself. Loving myself would afford me the ability to truly love another from my deeper self, without fear of rejection or abandonment. So many of these lessons I have come to learn.

Soon I would discover that I was not alone on this journey. Many of my sisters, women from all walks of life, also grew up in fatherless homes or homes in which the fathers were seldom available, emotionally unavailable. As I began to do research on this subject, I also discovered this epidemic was growing out of control and no one seemed to really notice. There is so much data to support the adverse, negative effects on the lives of women who grew up without fathers. It breaks my heart to know that there are millions of women and daughters looking for love who are not finding it because they have never learned what love truly is. In every woman there is that little girl who wants to be loved, adored and protected by her daddy! It's just that simple.

A Fatherless Daughter's Lost Cry in the Dark...My Heart Secret (Part 1)

2009-05-19T14:57:00.000-04:00

My life has seemed to come full circle now that I have faced my own “Heart Secrets”. We all carry our own Heart Secrets within the deepest chambers of our hearts. For years, I protected my Heart Secrets to be sure no one found out. But the truth is, that once I came to grips with why my life had often seem to spin out of control, then and only then could I be free. My Heart Secrets was my obsession with finding true love. For years, I had written and spoken on numerous topics. Yet it never ceased to amaze me that the number one topic for most women was “Love“. In almost every conversation, the subject of love seemed to surface. It had become a cultural obsession. Someone was trying to find, keep or to get rid of what they thought was true love; nevertheless, we remained obsessed with it. I too had my own secret obsession with this thing called love.

After years of struggling with this obsession myself, I had to find some answers in order to move forward with my own life. After a painful divorce from a sixteen-year marriage, and several years of struggling as a single mother of three teenagers, I had reached my point of desperation. I felt lonely, unhappy and unlovable. I was consumed with all the negative emotions I had taught against for many years. I grew tired of looking for someone to love me, so I convinced myself that love was not in the plan for my life.

Then one day after one of my many pity parties, I heard this still, small voice whisper to me “Revive Your Own Love Story.” What was that? It was God! A God, which up until then had seemed so distant from me. I came to learned that in order to create the love story I so wanted, so longed for, somewhere in the deeper recesses of my soul, I had to identify the reasons for its absence. You see, in order for my pain to heal, I had to first heal my misplaced sense of identity. I learned that I didn’t know who I was or how love looked. Who was I? My Heart Secret had begun to surface and oh what pain I would have to face!!